The rut
It's dawned on me over the last couple of days that I'm falling into a work rut. A few pennies have dropped. One is that now, after having been separated from my kids for six days, I've realized that their not being around did not speed up my progress in catching up with a backlog at work. This can only mean that I don't spend much time with them because I'm basically working all the time already. Not good.
Another is that I've been waking up with my fists slightly clenched and with this vague feeling of unease, palpable fear that I'm "not going to" this or that. I'm not going to get my grant renewed (this is possible-- that book ate up a couple of years of my life and, ironically, will probably not "count" when I apply for continued funding even though it is the most positive thing I've done in my work life. Ever. ). I'm not going to be able to find the time to do any book promotion stuff that I will need to do if I hope to sell copies other than the six my mother-in-law is going to buy. I'm not going to be able to prepare decent lectures for my class. I'm not going to be able to give my kids the time they need at their various delicate stages of life (see how far down the list they are?).
Man, these are not pleasant thoughts to be having. So here I am. It's around 7 pm. I've been in this building now for near on 12 hours. Everyone else has left. And if it weren't for the fact that I'm so famished I can't think straight, I'd probably stay for about 5 more.
I've completely lost my balance. I've just spent two fantastic years somewhat belatedly finding myself, revelling in a new set of interests, connections, sources of self-esteem. But now I've turned some kind of corner where it's all starting to seem like work again and where I'm trying too hard to get too much done and none of it is really all that, well, good!
What I need is a walk in the woods.
Another is that I've been waking up with my fists slightly clenched and with this vague feeling of unease, palpable fear that I'm "not going to" this or that. I'm not going to get my grant renewed (this is possible-- that book ate up a couple of years of my life and, ironically, will probably not "count" when I apply for continued funding even though it is the most positive thing I've done in my work life. Ever. ). I'm not going to be able to find the time to do any book promotion stuff that I will need to do if I hope to sell copies other than the six my mother-in-law is going to buy. I'm not going to be able to prepare decent lectures for my class. I'm not going to be able to give my kids the time they need at their various delicate stages of life (see how far down the list they are?).
Man, these are not pleasant thoughts to be having. So here I am. It's around 7 pm. I've been in this building now for near on 12 hours. Everyone else has left. And if it weren't for the fact that I'm so famished I can't think straight, I'd probably stay for about 5 more.
I've completely lost my balance. I've just spent two fantastic years somewhat belatedly finding myself, revelling in a new set of interests, connections, sources of self-esteem. But now I've turned some kind of corner where it's all starting to seem like work again and where I'm trying too hard to get too much done and none of it is really all that, well, good!
What I need is a walk in the woods.
posted by Colin at 6:51 PM
1 Comments:
...maybe finding yourself (no small thing), new interests, connections and sources of self-esteem is what's important. That, and a walk in the woods.
I know there's that little issue of keeping your family going, but....a shift in point of view?
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