Saturday, August 16, 2008

Another new leaf. Another one.

Just back from vacation and catching up on all the things that were too hard to cope with on my tiny ASUS EEE screen. I love that little device, but sometimes i just find the touchy keyboard and way too stiff mouse button thingie makes me want to put it away and read a book. A good thing, of course.

I could whine and complain about all the crappy weather and non-fun on the vacation, but that would seem ungrateful. Two weeks off work is two weeks off work (even if I had to spend on average 1-2 hours/day online keeping both jobs in order).

The most significant event of the entire vacation, and completely in keeping with the slow but sure turn in the aging/mortality/fear of death bent that this little neglected personal blog has taken of late, actually took place about one hour into what ended up being a 4000 km drive. I took first shift at the wheel and before we'd even reached Toronto, I found myself suffering from so much dizziness and slightly 'off' sensations that I had to pull over and let Karen drive. She asked me all the right questions to lead me to understand that she thought there was a decent chance I was having a TIA or a heart attack. After about another hour, and a long cold drink, we came to the conclusion that I had been suffering from some dehydration, sleep deprivation, work burnout and mental exhaustion -- not a happy way to begin some time off but a sure sign that some is needed.

Over the ensuing few hours, and really in the background for the whole vacation, was this growing awareness of the immensity of the importance of my health. At that moment, on the highway, feeling feeble, stupid and unwell, the overwhelming thought I has was "fuck, if I am headed for the hospital, and especially for something really serious, Karen and the kids are really screwed." And then, as the drive went on, that thought transmogrified into "fuck, if I keep living the way I have been, then I am certainly headed for the hospital and the great beyond, perhaps in fairly short order."

Incredibly selfish as it might seem, I think that too many of my mortality thoughts up to that point had had more to do with my anxiety about not getting far enough down my "list" than about what kind of mess I would be leaving behind me if I popped off prematurely. Now I've had this epiphany. I have to look after myself not only because there's much left for me to accomplish in this world, but perhaps even more so because I have this immense responsibility to help these incredible little beings along the way to a half-decent life. I've got kids under the age of 5. Unless I stop screwing up right now, they may not have a dad through their teenage years.

So.

Boring as this may be, I'm now determined to make some serious changes to my lifestyle, in hopes that it isn't too late to prolong my life a little, and improve my ability to deal with everything lying directly in my path. I'm tired of waking up tired, and feeling the ache in my knees from carrying so much fat, and feeling like there's a risk that if I step off a stair awkwardly I'm going to break and ankle, and all of the million other things that follow from the fact that I eat and drink too much and don't move around enough.

It's got to change, and -- sorry -- it's going to get talked about here.

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